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Avoidant / Anxious Attachment Styles ?
After a recent relationship breakdown and the subsequent self reflection , i came across and read many things about attachment styles.
Whilst i always considered myself to be quite a private person, i was quite suprised to find out that i have many of the characteristics of the avoidant personality style .
Ive copied and pasted below from googles summary ;
Whilst i always considered myself to be quite a private person, i was quite suprised to find out that i have many of the characteristics of the avoidant personality style .
Ive copied and pasted below from googles summary ;
Avoidant attachment is a style of forming relationships characterized by discomfort with intimacy, a strong need for independence, and difficulty trusting others. Individuals with this attachment style tend to avoid deep emotional connections and may struggle with emotional availability in relationships. This can stem from early childhood experiences where consistent care and attention were lacking, leading to a preference for self-reliance and a fear of closeness.
Key Characteristics of Avoidant Attachment:
- Discomfort with Intimacy:Individuals with avoidant attachment may feel overwhelmed or uncomfortable with emotional closeness and may distance themselves when they feel it's becoming too intense.
- Need for Independence:They often prioritize their independence and autonomy, finding it challenging to depend on others or allow others to depend on them.
Difficulty with Trust:
They may struggle to trust others and be wary of forming deep, lasting relationships due to past experiences of rejection or abandonment.
Emotional Distance:
They may withdraw emotionally from relationships, making it difficult for others to understand their feelings or needs.
Denial of Emotional Needs:
They may deny their need for closeness and emotional support, even though they may secretly crave connection.
Impact on Relationships:
Impact on Relationships:
- Romantic Relationships:Avoidant individuals may struggle to commit to long-term relationships and may avoid intimacy due to fear of vulnerability or rejection.
Friendships:
They may have difficulty forming close friendships and may prefer casual relationships over deep connections.
Family Relationships:
They may distance themselves from family members and struggle to ask for help or support.
Ive recently been watching Gateans videos on the wall of glass/aspergers. Now it seems like theres an awful lot of similarities between some of the things mentioned in the videos.
Of course i just could be making connections where there are non, so im curious how the peakstates framework might explain the avoidant attachment style .
Some key things that resonate with me and i experience is the sense of overwhelm when someone tries to get close. I sense it in my whole body, a deep freeze so to speak. I even felt it recently when a potential romantic interest told me of their feelings. I just went into panic mode.
Also another curious observation i came across during my reading of attachement styles, is that its very common for avoidants to get into relationships with anxious attachement style individuals . A clear case of opposites attract. The anxious attachement style is constantly seeking validation or reassurace , and the more they seek this, the more an avoidant will tend to pull away.
"An anxious attachment style is characterized by a deep-seated fear of abandonment and a strong need for reassurance and validation from partners. Individuals with this style often crave closeness and intimacy, but they also worry intensely about their partner's potential lack of availability or commitment. This can manifest as a need for constant contact, seeking reassurance, and feeling distressed when they perceive distance or separation.
Ive recently been watching Gateans videos on the wall of glass/aspergers. Now it seems like theres an awful lot of similarities between some of the things mentioned in the videos.
Of course i just could be making connections where there are non, so im curious how the peakstates framework might explain the avoidant attachment style .
Some key things that resonate with me and i experience is the sense of overwhelm when someone tries to get close. I sense it in my whole body, a deep freeze so to speak. I even felt it recently when a potential romantic interest told me of their feelings. I just went into panic mode.
Also another curious observation i came across during my reading of attachement styles, is that its very common for avoidants to get into relationships with anxious attachement style individuals . A clear case of opposites attract. The anxious attachement style is constantly seeking validation or reassurace , and the more they seek this, the more an avoidant will tend to pull away.
"An anxious attachment style is characterized by a deep-seated fear of abandonment and a strong need for reassurance and validation from partners. Individuals with this style often crave closeness and intimacy, but they also worry intensely about their partner's potential lack of availability or commitment. This can manifest as a need for constant contact, seeking reassurance, and feeling distressed when they perceive distance or separation.
Key Characteristics of Anxious Attachment:
- Fear of Abandonment: A persistent worry that partners will leave or stop loving them.
- Need for Reassurance: Constantly seeking validation and confirmation of love and commitment from their partner.
- Clinginess: A desire for constant closeness and a tendency to be overly attached to their partner.
- Worry and Anxiety: Experiencing high levels of stress, anxiety, and self-doubt in relationships.
- Difficulty with Independence: May struggle to be alone and may seek validation and reassurance from others.
- Negative Self-Image: May have a low sense of self-worth and may feel unworthy of love.
- Sensitivity to Rejection: Can be highly sensitive to any perceived signs of rejection or abandonment.
Causes of Anxious Attachment:
- Inconsistent Caregiving:Experiences of inconsistent caregiving in childhood, where a caregiver might be present and nurturing at times, and unavailable or dismissive at other times, can lead to anxious attachment.
- Traumatic Experiences:Past experiences of trauma or loss can also contribute to anxious attachment.
- Low Self-Esteem:Individuals with low self-esteem may be more likely to develop anxious attachment, as they may fear not being good enough to be loved.
- Family History:Anxious attachment can also be influenced by family history and the patterns of relationships within the family.
Impact on Relationships:
- Relationship Conflicts:Individuals with anxious attachment may struggle with conflict resolution, as they may become overly sensitive to their partner's actions and may engage in passive-aggressive behaviors.
- Jealousy and Insecurity:They may experience jealousy and insecurity, which can strain relationships.
- Difficulty with Trust:They may have difficulty trusting their partner and may struggle to feel safe and secure in their relationship.
- Seeking Validation Outside of the Relationship:They may seek validation and reassurance from others outside of the relationship. "
An anxious atachement style , also sounds a bit like the neediness syndrome . Again, the reality is probably more nuances than this , as they might be heaps of underlying contributory factors at play, but i just found it really interesting.
So yeah, curious to hear from any possible peak states theories regarding the avoidant atachement style . Hypothetically speaking, if somone approached a peak states therapist and said they were experiencing many of the issues associated with the avoidant personality style , how would one tackle it. I know its quite a global issue, but genuinely curious .
Comments
I'm sorry to hear that you had a relationship breakup, that can be so very painful.
Just a few thoughts that may or may not be helpful. I'll start with some background issues that your post brought to mind - fair warning here, I'm about to 'get on my soap box', so feel free to skip this part.
Having said all that, let's look at possible causes for your symptoms. Since I don't really know what your symptoms actually are, it is hard to tell what might apply. Fortunately, an experienced therapist can whip though the differential diagnosis pretty fast, so I'll just note some of the causes that might be related below:
- Simple trauma: This is the cause for most of the stuff that people suffer from, I figure about 75-80% of the time. [For people who see therapists a lot, they often have other special situations going on which is why they are not getting well. So for those people the odds are probably more like 60-70% that their issue is caused by simple trauma.] By simple trauma I mean the presenting symptom is coming directly from a traumatic incident in the past. Pretty much any good trauma therapist can address this, with our own graduates being at the top end of having fast and effective tools. [Avoid any therapist who wants to use cognitive behavioral therapy on you, and stick to people who use EFT, EMDR, TIR, WHH, and so on.]
- Special situations: But just guessing, there could be several other possible causes that might be involved: Asperger's Syndrome; s-holes; bottomless hole in the chest area; addictive BAs (they also cause mind chatter); cording; and others. But these are a lot less likely than simple trauma! But fortunately they are easy for a therapist to rule out, as they all have distinct and unique diagnostic symptoms. (After reading this, please don't fall into the rather amusing common issue first year medical school students have who think they have each disease they study in class, eh.)
Diagnosing via forum or email is pretty useless and a bad idea for so many many reasons, but I thought you might enjoy seeing some of the items that a therapist has in the back of his mind when doing the differential diagnosis with a new client in the relationship area that you seemed to be pointing at.All my best,
Dr. Grant McFetridge
Yeah, i don't need a medical professional to diagnose/pathologize me, i seem to be doing a great job of that myself! That along with the help of google and the social media algorithms that reinforce what you are searching for! Point taken!
Yeah i take your point, could well be a number of things!
One of the key descriptors of "fearful avoidants" is that they often have a fear of deep connection, despite a desire for it. Its common for avoidants to shut down, or withdraw when there is anykind of intense emotional intensity . To shut down is a safety mechanism . I definitely experience this, and as i typed it, i just recalled that a similar thing happened when a peak experience came to an end a number of years ago.
There is a woman online who has developed an avoidant healing program , and its largely based on EFT, so that supports the view that its largely trauma based. I also wonder if there is a large body association element to it. Im definitely going to explore . Maybe i will pull my finger out and seek a therapist, instead of trying to figure it out and not do anything!
Regards!
To add to the conversation :
Attachement styles is an interesting theory, only to the point where it helps you see the pattern at play, and stop identifying with it but actually realizing there is something wrong (meaning, trauma-based) in your own behavior. So, that's helpful, and even more so to analyze relationships dynamic as, as you mentioned, avoidants- and anxious- style often come to relationships together (a nice way to play out the trauma in real life!).
Thankfully, I think the issue is, in most cases, quite simple to deal with from a technical point of view. Julien Roux and myself did some experiment with it about 2 years ago, and we found intense but simple biographical traumas at the root of it. In my own case, it was around coalescence, when the brain merge together. One of the brain just wanted to avoid the intensity of intimacy the other brain was pushing!
So, I'd look for that first.
The rest, like s-holes, seem like secondary problems to me, but that's where an experienced therapist who has gone through it himself can see the forest for the tree. Anyway, you can't go wrong with biographical traumas, as they are generally those that people try to avoid most!
When you write :
"Some key things that resonate with me and i experience is the sense of overwhelm when someone tries to get close. I sense it in my whole body, a deep freeze so to speak. I even felt it recently when a potential romantic interest told me of their feelings. I just went into panic mode."
Straight up generational/biographical trauma, I guess. Don't look further for now, go for healing this first!
I used to be slightly avoidant-style, but since healing a similar trauma, I can say I would definitely fit into the 'very secure' style now.
Now,
Regarding Asperger / the Wall of Glass problem.
Yes it can make people sort of "retract" from the world and stay in their bubble but that's not avoidance, it is more general withdrawal that is not linked to attachement in particular.
So, Asperger's people can be either avoidant-, anxious-, disorganized- or even secure- types of attachement. It is just a different element to factor in.
Of course, both issues can compound on each other. Hence, your partner can feel triggered more, hence more chaos in the relationship.
Healing these things is life-changing. I wished people with the wall of glass would intuitively see this and understand the value of our work with the wall of glass, but it generally needs a lot of explaining so that they can see what's possible.
So, I tell you, I believe it is possible to heal attachement styles !
Good luck to, you !