Spiritual Emergency and the Triune
Brain
Revision 1.0,
Nov. 19, 1997
"This is a paper I wrote for the Spiritual
Emergence Network (SEN) a number of years ago. It was
designed to give guidance to volunteer
‘helpers’ who assist other people experiencing
spiritual emergency. Dr. Stanislav Grof’s categories
of spiritual emergencies are included in an appendix at the
end of this paper.
SEN was started In the 80’s by Dr. Grof
and his wife. It has since become part of the California
Institute for Integral Studies, directed by Dr. Brant
Cortright, department head for the psychology masters
program. The web address is www.ciis.edu/SEN.html.
This paper is also valuable
because it outlines the basic model ISPS uses in our work.
Although dated, the material in it is correct, just
incomplete. I will be updating it when I get a chance.
This paper does not include
the existence of a fourth brain, the prefrontal lobes of
the cerebral cortex, which I’ve named the
“Buddha’ brain because of how it feels
experientially."
-Grant McFetridge, Dec. 1999
Introduction
As Spiritual Emergence Network helpers,
we’re often faced with trying to support or reassure
people who are experiencing a spiritual crisis which we may
or may not recognize or understand ourselves. Especially
when these people are in great suffering, many of us are
often at a loss to know how to help in any specific way.
In this article, I’m
offering a transpersonal extension to the little known
Papez-MacLean triune brain model of the psyche to explain
some of the common spiritual emergencies. I will also
describe a number of overlooked experiences not covered in
the standard literature, overlooked because their meaning
and significance is not understandable from conventional
models of the psyche. I’ll finish by mentioning a
number of fast and specific techniques that deal directly
with the pain and suffering of the types of spiritual
crises I’ve come in contact with.
Like most of us, I’ve
been exposed to a plethora of psychological and spiritual
models of the psyche. I found that none covered the full
range of my own experience, and none could be used to
invent healing techniques from some sort of underlying
first principles. It wasn’t until I healed enough
trauma to clearly recall my womb experience and could study
the events that lead to ‘normal’ consciousness
that I was able to realize the underlying triune structure
of the psyche. I invite you to explore what I’ve
written, test some of the implications for yourself, and
improve on it. Enjoy!
Part
1: The Basic Triune Brain Model
We start with a simplified version of the
triune brain model, one without any controversial
transpersonal elements, yet which is adequate for working
with a number of spiritual emergence categories. A very
neglected breakthrough in understanding brain biology forms
the basis for this model. In the 1960’s Dr. Paul
MacLean at the National Institute for Mental Health,
expanding on the work of James Papez, described a three
part concentric layering structure to the human brain. The
outermost layer is the neomammilian brain, the neocortex
which is the seat of thought and most voluntary movement.
The next layer inward is the paleomamalian brain, composed
of the limbic system, the seat of our emotions and
autonomic nervous system. In the innermost portion is found
the reptilian brain, composed of the the brain stem,
midbrain, basal ganglia and other structures. Each brain
serves different functions with some overlap, but what Dr.
MacLean postulates is that the integration, or coordination
between the brains is inadequate, a genetic problem in our
species. For more information, see Evolutions End by Joseph
Pierce, Three Faces of the Mind by Elaine De Beauport, and
for summary information see Maps of the
Mind by Charles
Hampden-Turner. For a complete biological description see
Dr. MacLean’s The Triune
Brain in Evolution: Role in Paleocerebral
Functions.
How does the triune
structure of the brain apply to our inner experience? In
everyday terms, we know these brains as the
‘mind’, ‘heart’, and
‘body’. Each brain has different biological
functions and abilities. The ‘mind’, or
neocortex, is the part of ourselves we most often think of
as who we are. It perceives itself in the head, and it is
the part of ourselves that forms judgments, handles short
term memory, and does abstractions like mathematics. The
‘heart’ is the limbic system in the brain, yet
perceives itself in the chest, probably because this is the
area of it’s primary biological responsibility and
sensory awareness. It allows us to feel emotions, and be
either positively or negatively emotionally aware of the
presence of others. Finally, the ‘body’
consciousness (or ‘hara’ in Japanese) is
composed of the tissues at the base of our skulls, and
probably other distributed systems in our body. It
experiences itself in the lower belly, it’s area of
major biological function. This brain gives us a sense of
time and our ability to feel sexuality. We communicate with
this brain when we do dowsing or muscle testing.
The most difficult
conceptual jump in Dr. MacLean’s work is to realize
that each of the brains is intelligently, independently
self aware. Because we tend to assume thinking requires
words, it’s difficult for us to realize that each
brain actually thinks. In fact, unlike the mind, the heart
thinks in sequences of feelings, and the body thinks in
gestalt sequences of body sensations (described as the
‘felt sense’ in Eugene Gendlin’s
Focusing). By this, I don’t mean that it’s as
if there were three people inside of us. Instead, since
each brain is so different, we might compare this situation
to that of a living stereo system. Imagine if the speakers
(mind), tape deck (heart), and receiver (body) were each
self aware, each trying to run the show and puzzled because
the other parts won’t do what they want them to. It
would be hard to imagine how a stereo like this would ever
manage to play music! And unfortunately, this is fairly
close to the mark. Even though sharing much sensory data
and awareness of each other’s actions, each brain
tends to be in denial about the existence of the others. In
fact, the brains often come into conflict, even to the
point of overtly or unconsciously attempting to manipulate
and control each other. A simple example to illustrate this
occurs when you’re sexually attracted (the body
consciousness) to someone you don’t even like (the
emotional consciousness).
The final element of the basic model involves
the phenomena of trauma. For almost everyone, remembered or
forgotten traumas drive most of our behavior and emotional
life, completely outside of our conscious awareness.
Traumatic experiences are stored, and later ‘played
back’ as outer circumstances trigger us. This
playback is an entire bodily experience, as if our younger
traumatized self is partially taking over our body.
Although we habitually resist this process, this playback
mechanism combined with severe early trauma results in the
psychological phenomena of ‘the inner child’.
From a biological viewpoint storing our responses to
traumatic experiences makes sense, since we survived the
experience by responding in those ways. Unfortunately, what
may have been a good evolutionary strategy for our animal
ancestors is a tragic problem in our complex sapient lives.
Further, although the body
selects the category of trauma’s retrieved via body
sensations, it is the heart which indexes these memories by
the trauma’s initially experienced emotion (with an
accompanying visual image) and performs the playback and
record function. To continue the stereo analogy, it’s
a bit like we carry around a library of trauma cassettes
and our heart is the tape deck. A variety of healing
techniques discussed at the end of this article use this
basic understanding. For a more complete discussion on
indexing and triggering of trauma, see The Adventure of
Self Discovery by Dr. Stanislav Grof (the coex system), and
Beyond Psychology by Dr. Frank Gerbode.
This simple model of the psyche is compatible
with Western cultural biases and explains many
psychological phenomena. For another viewpoint on the
triune brain biological model, I refer you to Dr.
Janov’s The Anatomy of Mental Illness or The New
Primal Scream.
Unitive
Experiences: Fusion, the Beauty Way, and
Wholeness
We will first look at a
group of experiences which fall under Grof’s
spiritual emergence category of unitive consciousness.
Although rare, these remarkable states occur when two or
more of the brains fuse (merge) together. In fact, total
fusion of the three brains into one awareness is our normal
state as we develop in the womb. However, by birth the
trauma we’ve each experienced has created the
disassociation of the brains which we consider
‘normal’, and we spend the rest of our lives
unconsciously searching for this internal fusion in our
outer lives. Even though these fusion states are
intrinsically positive and in themselves do not create a
spiritual emergency, these individuals sometimes contact
SEN, often expressing confusion, grief and despair as they
search for some way to regain the state they’ve lost.
The most common of these
states is probably that of mind and heart fusion. It might
be called ‘The Beauty Way’, from the American
Indian tradition, or ‘aliveness’ as Harville
Hendrix does in Keeping the
Love You Find, or ‘an
awareness of the Immanent Divine’, from the Christian
tradition. This state has the unique property that past
emotional trauma no longer has an emotional effect on
people, and they find themselves totally in the present. It
may have lasted only briefly or for most of a lifetime, but
during it they feel vividly alive, and everything around
them feels vividly alive too. In a certain way, everything
is beautiful, even garbage, and even painful emotions feel
satisfying. However, people in this state know they are not
perfect, and they still have problems interpersonally and
in their lives. They tend to call SEN because they now miss
a knowledge of spiritual truths that seemed perfectly
obvious during the experience, and so assume it must have
something to do with spiritual states. Often, they've
attempted to find what they’ve lost from spiritual
groups or teachers but their experience has met without
recognition and dismissed as unimportant.
An even deeper experience
occurs when all three brains fuse, and the word that people
almost always use to describe it when it first happens is
‘wholeness’. This can be accompanied by the
sensation that your body is hollow, with a feeling of total
security radiating upward from the pelvis. A vivid
experience of perceiving how huge the sky is overhead is a
key I use when accessing this state.
Another variation occurs
when the mind and body fuse without the heart. This can be
particularly disconcerting, because your body feels like
it’s made of air without a boundary at the skin.
I’ve seen this happen in people who have done
tremendous amount of inner work, but it can also be
triggered by certain life circumstances. In this state, and
the less dramatic state when the body and heart fuse we
still experience past trauma’s emotionally affecting
our lives, unfortunately. To my surprise, only fusion with
the mind can stabilize the heart in the present and turn
off the relatively automatic playback of past emotional
trauma.
As a SEN helper, reassuring
someone that you’ve heard about what they describe is
very supportive and helpful. I don’t know a simple or
foolproof way to regain what they’ve lost, but
several techniques do exist. One that has even worked for
people that have never experienced head and heart fusion
before is to consciously face all the subtle reasons that
you have for not being fully in the present. This usually
takes a few days and outside help. I’ve seen people
access total fusion at least temporarily by doing body and
breath techniques that emphasize surrendering to the
body’s desire to move in certain ways, or even
spontaneously during sex with just the right partner as a
trigger. For people who have lost the fusion state, if they
can spot the circumstances that caused them to leave
fusion, a variety of trauma healing techniques discussed at
the end of the article can be used to eliminate the
traumatic memory that had been activated. For further
reading on the topic of fusion, I refer you to Tom Brown
Jr.’s The Quest and Awakening Spirits.
Unitive
Experiences: Shutdown, Samahdi, and The Pearl Beyond
Price
A much stranger set of states, still sometimes
put in the category of unitive consciousness, can occur
because the individual brains have the seldom used ability
to turn themselves off. During these states, the person
looses the abilities that were primary to those brains.
This generally occurs due to what that individual
experiences as extreme trauma, or sometimes from spiritual
practices. Interestingly, we don’t lose our ability
to use language when these shutdown states occur.
The state that occurs when
the mind (cortex) shuts down has no particular name that
I’m aware of, but it presents a very seductive yet
problem filled situation. The person experiences a sense of
peace, calmness, feelings of simple joy in living and doing
everyday tasks, a connection to spiritual writings that is
very profound. This occurs because internal conflicts the
person experiences due to the independent actions of the
mind cease. However, the abilities that the mind specialize
in, short term memory, mathematical ability, and the
ability to form judgments (such as choosing between similar
items in a store, or making a menu choice) are also
suspended or greatly impaired. This internal lobotomy
presents a real dilemma, as the individual wants the state
to continue, but find themselves unable to work at most
jobs. I’ve seen people stay this way for as long as a
year.
The next state is called
samahdi in the Zen Buddhist tradition. Here, both the heart
and the body consciousnesses turn themselves off. One
experiences a sense of peace and timelessness that is
beyond anything possible to experience in normal
consciousness. The person finds themselves almost never
breathing, probably because the need for oxygen metabolism
to support the chemically based thinking processes of the
two shutdown brains is eliminated. Unlike the previous
state, the individual can continue to work at most jobs,
and in fact the memory and IQ is extremely enhanced. (One
odd problem with this state is the ability to recall what
we hear, such as music or conversation, so clearly it
cannot be distinguished from the real thing. We can go into
a state of continuous playback, but turning the playback
off can be difficult.) Unfortunately, the ability to feel
emotions, or connect with people other than intellectually
is eliminated. Once in the state, the person can remain in
it indefinitely. The desire to experience feelings again is
a trigger to ending this by turning on the heart, and the
body consciousness soon follows.
When we turn off both the
head and the heart, we are left with a state the
Sufi’s call an experience of the ‘Pearl Beyond
Price’. This odd state is similar to fusing the mind
and body in that we experience ourselves as if we were made
of air, without a boundary at the skin. Unlike fusion, in
this state our lower belly feels as if it were full, a bit
like we’d eaten a large meal or were pregnant. We
also loose the abilities of the heart and mind, such as
being able to feel emotions, be emotionally aware of
others, think analytically, and so on. Spiritual practice
accompanied by feelings of dying and trying to escape our
lives can trigger this state.
The previous three cases
generate calls to SEN because of the
‘spiritual’ overtones to the experiences, and
from the dilemma people face in trying to decide if they
should go back to the cacophony of three independent
brains. As a helper, it is useful to point out that
lobotomizing oneself to avoid pain is probably not in their
best interest, and discussing how to heal trauma and live
with more self love as an alternative is a key step. Simply
desiring the aspects of themselves that have been turned
off is usually sufficient to end these shutdown states.
Kundalini
Awakening
Quite a number of calls I
receive have to do with this category of spiritual
emergency. Although a variety of transpersonal experiences
are associated with kundalini, the basic triune brain model
directly addresses the part of the kundalini experience
that causes so much pain and suffering for people, the
activation of old traumatic memories. As a SEN helper, the
standard practice of first reassuring them that the
phenomena is real, recommending books to read on the
subject, and discussing it’s potential course is very
helpful. But beyond this, I usually recommend a variety of
ways, mentioned at the end of the article, to heal trauma
so they can directly deal with the problems that are
suddenly disrupting their lives.
Often kundalini is
accompanied by sensations of being frantic and disoriented.
A simple temporary solution is to have the person put
stretch their arm out in front of them, and then move it in
an infinity symbol (a figure eight on it’s side),
while holding the head facing forward without moving. By
following their upright thumb with their eyes, so that the
thumb is seen first by one eye, then the other in a smooth
motion causes the anxiety to lift in seconds. Supposedly
this causes the hemispheres of the brain to start working
in synchronization again, but I don’t know if this is
the correct reason or not.
I want to mention something
else about this phenomenon I hope will spur investigation
by other people. During my own kundalini experience, I did
some deep psychological work, and found that I was
experiencing kundalini because my body consciousness was
essentially blaming the other two brains for all it’s
problems. My body was pretending that by harming itself
through the disruption caused by kundalini it would fix
things, with a getting even at the other brains sort tone
to it. However, once I faced the pain around this delusion,
my kundalini experience immediately ended. Of course, I
don’t know if this is commonly the case for others,
but it was certainly a surprise to me and well worth
further investigation. I have observed that in spite of
what some spiritual literature says, many people have years
of kundalini experiences with little or no observable
benefits, and this may explain why - the core problem is
not being addressed.
Psychological
Renewal Through Activation of the Central
Archetype
I haven’t worked with anyone
having this experience, yet I have come across something
similar in my own work that I would like to share that may
be useful. During a holotropic breathwork session and for
quite a while afterwards, I experienced an episode of being
in the middle of a world shattering conflict between two
tremendous beings or archetypal forces. Investigating
further revealed the core of the experience was part of the
birth trauma, where my body consciousness was contending
with my mother’s body consciousness for what I felt
was my survival during the hellish conditions of birth.
This experience had the sensation of two gods contending
because the body consciousness feels like a god to the
other two brains, as one might expect given that
biologically the body consciousness is primary and the
other brains genetically designed as extensions to it.
(Note 1999: Since I wrote
this, I’ve had a chance to test out this
understanding in a few clients who were experiencing this
emergency and it tuned out to be correct for them.)
Suicidal
Ideation
Suicidal ideation is
currently a category in the SEN experience list. I have
heard of cases where people ended up committing suicide
partially due to the lack of understanding and support they
experienced while they were going through what they and
their intimates assumed were episodes of insanity. Doing
our service as SEN volunteers keeps such tragedies from
occurring.
However, suicidal ideation
can also occur as spiritual emergencies activate early
traumatic material. For example, in my own case, and
probably due to my own inner exploration work, I suddenly
became suicidal. By accidentally touching my belly button
one day I suddenly realized the feelings were radiating
from that spot. This was due to the trauma of having my
umbilical cord cut too soon, and at an even deeper level
was due to loosing the chemical communication to my mother
during the birth process. Stanislav Grof speaks about this
sort of thing in The Holotropic Mind (pg. 208), and I
strongly suggest having a person who feels suicidal read
this sort of material to get an intellectual understanding
and some sort of hope to counteract these powerful
feelings. See the end of the article for techniques to heal
these trauma.
Out
of Body Experience (OBE)
Fortunately, our culture is
now generally aware of the out of body experience (OBE)
even if it is considered delusional, so SEN helpers rarely
have to reassure callers about it’s existence.
However, the literature on this subject contains
fundamentally incorrect assumptions due to a cultural
‘blind spot’ that we almost all share. So, as
helpers we can unintentionally mislead people trying to
deal with, induce, or understand this phenomena.
First, to see this
‘blind spot’ for yourself, please choose a very
painful memory from your past, one with a sharp image
associated with it. Take a moment and look closely at the
image, because there is something very odd about it that
you are probably taking for granted. (Pause). Notice where
the viewpoint of the image is from - it is not from your
eyes! (In fact, some people may be aware that they actually
have two viewpoints, one from the eyes and one from
another, out of body viewpoint.) If you don’t see the
image from the out of body perspective clearly, pick
another trauma and see if it’s more obvious. For the
minority of people who have difficulty in perceiving this
phenomena, a GSR meter can be used as a feedback device to
bring the OBE images into awareness by interrupting our
normal pain avoidance mechanisms. These traumatic images
guide much of our daily behavior, as external circumstances
stimulate their recall and we almost instantly react to
avoid them. It’s as if our awareness is like a
pinball in a pinball game, bouncing away from these pain
filled images.
The OBE images are a
critical piece in understanding our psyche, and one that is
not understandable with conventional scientific models.
When faced at all, mainstream psychologists assume that the
OBE images are some sort of mental manipulation and give it
the label of disassociation, then ignore it. People who
believe in out of body experience make a different mistake
- they assume that OBE’s are rare, when in fact
they’re happening all the time. It’s staying in
your body that’s hard, not leaving it! This could be
tested in a laboratory setting, using blind or blindfolded
volunteers exposed to mild trauma, who had practice in
seeing the OBE images.
I know of two mechanisms to
become aware of your own OBE’s as you have them. To
understand these, one must first realize that it is the
heart that perceives the out of body viewpoint (although
it’s the body which controls the location of the
viewpoint). The first method is to fuse the heart and mind,
allowing the mind to receive the OBE sensory data as it
occurs. I’ve found I get vertigo if I try to move
around while using an OBE viewpoint and my eyes at the same
time. The second method requires an understanding of the
transpersonal part of the psyche, and is mentioned later in
that section. At any rate, the rarity of either state
explains why OBE’s are mistakenly considered such
unusual events - it’s noticing them as they happen
that’s rare, not the experiences themselves.
Part
2: A Shamanic Extension to the Triune Brain
Model
Up to the discussion on OBE’s, I’d
deliberately avoided discussing spiritual emergence
phenomena that couldn’t be understood with the basic
biological triune model. We now add a simple extension to
the basic model to account for the OBE mechanism,
it’s connection to trauma, and to a certain group of
spiritual emergencies. This extension moves us in a
direction of the psyche that focuses on shamanic types of
experiences, connection to the natural world, and the
sacred.
We start by assuming that
although some parts of our memories are stored biologically
in the brain, the emotional portion of traumatic memories
is stored on fragments of a medium shamans call
‘soul’ which surrounds and interpenetrates us.
This medium can be experienced as if we were surrounded by
a big water balloon whose outer membrane we move around or
dissolve at will. (I have wondered if this medium has not
been observed in lab settings because one automatically
withdraws it from any probing.) For the sake of brevity, I
won’t go into the variety of perceptual data that
supports this model, but instead refer you to Sandra
Ingerman’s Soul Retrieval.
During an OBE the heart
experiences itself as leaving the body, in the same way
that a person using a virtual reality helmet feels like
they are no longer in their body. The heart has a sensation
of safety in this external viewpoint, as if what can harm
the body cannot harm or effect it, leading to the
heart’s delusion that it is not really part of the
biological organism. During an OBE, the heart uses the soul
piece a bit like an external camera, with the body
controlling it’s location. During trauma, a mechanism
is activated which records the emotional portion of our
experience on these soul pieces. A variety of techniques
(mentioned at the end of the article) rely on this model
for healing trauma, either explicitly or implicitly. For
example, the ‘whole-hearted healing’ technique
eliminates the OBE to stop the trauma storage, while the
VKD technique apparently works directly with the soul
recording mechanism itself, and leaves the OBE portion
alone.
Occasionally, instead of
hanging on to the traumatic recording, the trauma is so
painful to the organism that the body actually ejects it
away from the area around the body, resulting in the
shamanic experience of ‘soul loss’. The
shamanic process of soul retrieval is one way of dealing
with this problem, although just healing the trauma itself
causes the missing piece to return eventually.
Incidentally, having a soul piece return can be quite a
dramatic experience. These pieces can be seen by outside
observers as if it were the person ‘frozen’ at
that moment, like a three dimensional picture, or as clouds
of what looks like pipe smoke. Although these pieces are
typically created during intense trauma, individuals can
also create them unconsciously or even deliberately.
Finally, do I really believe
in this shamanic ‘soul’ extension to the triune
brain model? Well, it fits many otherwise puzzling
observations, it matches my experience, is useful
therapeutically, and has long traditional roots. But as a
scientifically trained Westerner, I’d feel a lot more
comfortable if someone would test some of the predictions
of this model in a lab. I’d also like to see
instrumentation measuring the presence of the soul
material, along with collaborating detail such as the
biological interface and exactly how recording and playback
is accomplished. Yet, as a simple approximation to a
complex process, it’s by far the best model I know
of, and I’ll continue to use it until something
better comes along.
Possession,
Schizophrenia, and Channeling
Years ago as a SEN helper I was taught that
true spiritual emergencies are short term and result in
higher functioning individuals after the crisis passes, and
that they generally happen to mentally healthy people,
probably as a developmental step (see Appendix A). In
contrast, real mental illness was categorized as somehow
not spiritual, as it was more devastating, permanent, the
realm of therapists and drugs, and by implication hopeless.
Yet I couldn’t help but notice that, for example,
very disruptive kundalini and channeling experiences were
occurring in people over a period of decades, and that they
did not appear to be benefiting in any obvious way from
them. I’ve come to reject that SEN model, and in this
section I’ll be specifically addressing the
connection between the mental illness called schizophrenia,
the controversial SEN category called possession, and the
trendy phenomena of channeling. I’ll finish by
briefly describing ways to heal these problems.
First, these three
phenomena are actually manifestations of the same
underlying mechanism. It turns out that our bodies have the
ability to pull in and hang onto other people’s soul
pieces, which in shamanic terms is called ‘soul
stealing’. These pieces are popularly called
‘entities’ or ‘angels’ depending on
the emotional tone they carry from their formation. Unlike
our own trauma pieces which we can erase or modify with
certain psychological approaches, we apparently cannot do
this to ones from other people, nor can we ignore them as
easily. Unconsciously doing soul stealing is actually
fairly common among ‘normal’ people, and is
something a shamanic practitioner deals with all the time.
How these soul pieces
affect us depends on a number of factors, such as how hard
we resist the ‘playback’ process, how many soul
pieces we’re dealing with, how intense and what
primary emotion each piece contains, how often we’re
triggered into playback, are we blocking the verbal content
of the playback process, and so on. Thus, the condition we
call schizophrenia is actually an extreme and disruptive
case of uncontrollable play back of one or more of these
stolen soul pieces. Likewise, in my limited experience the
controversial SEN category of possession is an even more
intense version of the same process, where the trauma
piece(s) involved are extremely negative and dramatic.
Finally, the popular practice of channeling is also a
manifestation of the same mechanism, albeit done with more
control and less mental disruption. This last assertion can
be difficult for people doing channeling to accept,
especially since people would like to believe that they
have a connection to sources of higher wisdom. I’d
always been skeptical about channeling after looking at the
functional usefulness of what was said, but I became
downright suspicious when I noticed that channeling caused
minor harm to peoples bodies during the experience, a flag
to me that some sort of psychological self deception was
going on. However, I wasn’t absolutely sure until
I’d worked out the mechanism, and a way to heal it,
and had a chance to test it. Of course, it’s always
possible that more than one type of channeling exists, but
so far every individual who I’ve worked with has been
doing what I described. (For complete references to the
entire channeling phenomena, I refer you to the excellent
books by John Klimo or Arthur Hastings.)
So, why would anyone do this
to themselves, which in the extreme can even cause you to
harm others or drive you crazy? Many healers (and Hollywood
movies) have the viewpoint that somehow people are the
victims of nasty or confused entities or lost souls who
wonder around looking for somebody who’s defenses are
down so they can move in. Realizing that we are actually
the perpetrators, not the victims, doing this to ourselves
by grabbing and holding on to soul pieces is hard to
believe (if you can accept this stuff at all) until you
understand why. The reason is actually hidden in birth and
womb trauma, which is why so few people find it. During
birth, and occasionally in the womb, our body consciousness
associates survival with the sensation of being surrounded
by the emotion(s) our mother felt at those moments. This is
similar to the sensation we get when we pull in an external
soul piece, and so at a deeply unconscious level we are
convinced that to survive we have to hang onto it no matter
what. In fact, we also tend to seek out people who feel
those particular emotions much of the time for the same
reason. Thus, healing soul stealing has the benefit of
fixing two problems at once.
We can heal soul stealing in
several ways. For example, the Hambalecha care facility in
southern California uses a body centered approach which
routinely heals schizophrenia, albeit slowly. In this
approach, they bring the person to an awareness that they
are causing themselves to be schizophrenic, and some time
later they bring the person to the decision to stop doing
it. If possible, I prefer any of a variety of trauma
healing techniques that access birth and womb memories.
This usually is very rapid, usually less than a couple of
hours. Another method is to have a shaman remove the soul
piece causing the problem, and although I’ve seen
this approach work, I don’t know if it eliminates the
underlying survival issue for a permanent cure. Probably
the most pleasant way to block the phenomena, although it
doesn’t cause us to give up the soul pieces, is to go
into head and heart fusion (the beauty way). In this state,
we no longer play back trauma pieces, including ones we
pull in from outside.
Incidentally, accessing past
(or future) lives can result in an experience that
resembles channeling, but I suspect this is done extremely
rarely. See the section on past lives for more information.
I’ll finish by briefly
mentioning that there is another unrelated mechanism for
what can be experienced as possession, but one that is
usually experienced as much more disturbing or scary to the
individual. Unlike soul piece playback, where the soul
piece emotion feels like it’s actually your own, in
this experience a part of the person’s body (such as
an arm) may apparently move by it’s own volition, or
the person may find themselves repeating a certain word, or
in the extreme the person may feel that they are
occasionally completely ‘taken over’ by the
sensation of some overwhelming being or energy. It can be
very disturbing when it’s something the person
doesn’t want, and they find they cannot block or
resist it in spite of all their efforts. In my limited
experience, this occurs when the body consciousness briefly
gains partial control of the organism, but plays out
delusional material it’s holding due to some old
trauma. Of course, this mechanism can manifest positively
especially in the absence of any delusional traumatic
material, as for example when someone suddenly find
extremes of strength to save a life, or to suddenly heal
oneself of some illness, or to experience themselves as an
almost archetypal sexual being during lovemaking.
Hauntings,
Ghosts, and Psychic Attacks
Although not strictly
spiritual emergency, some SEN calls are requests for help
and understanding around experiences involving haunting,
ghosts, or psychic attacks. It turns out that many of these
experiences are another expression of the soul piece
phenomena, and can be dealt with in several ways.
I was pretty skeptical until
I ran into it myself. About a year after the death of my
mother, and as a result of some inner work I was doing, I
suddenly felt like I was being crushed. I grew aware that
my mother was ‘present’ and trying to
communicate. After some work, I found she wanted me to make
a promise, upon which she vanished. It turns out that
during the last years of her life, my mom unconsciously
created a soul piece due to her despair involving my dad
and brother’s health. Apparently, this piece
outlasted her, and was what I was communicating with. The
underlying process is that a person unconsciously
constructs a soul piece with an imprint of themselves and
their desire, ejects it from the body field, and uses it to
try and either defend themselves, attack others, or to try
and get their way. Although I’m confident that I
correctly understand the mechanism, I don’t have
answers for some of the implications from this experience.
For example, was her soul piece animated by my own psyche,
or in some way by the woman who created it, either from the
past, future, or from some other ‘realm’? Did
it have a certain degree of autonomy and self awareness? Do
they fade with time after a person’s death, or do
they go somewhere else? With all the people in the world
now, why aren’t we hip deep in soul pieces? Working
out the answers to these and related questions is what
makes this work so fascinating.
Thus, one doesn’t even
have to be dead to create a ‘ghost’! An in
fact, it’s a very common phenomena. For example, one
woman created a piece as a result of trauma involving
abandonment. She would unconsciously use it to defend
herself from men who she felt were about to leave her,
giving them a very eerie sensation of a threatening
presence. Gently confronting the woman on this issue caused
her to pull it back in and face her trauma around
abandonment. In my own case, I found I’d created a
piece due to a trauma involving trying to protect myself
from being spanked by my dad which was interfering with
dowsing that one of my teachers was trying to do for me.
And even more seriously, I’d created a soul piece as
a result of the birthing process to ‘attack’
women who reminded me of my threatening mother. Healing the
generating trauma causes the pieces to be eventually pulled
back in with a ‘pop’ sensation. I
wouldn’t wonder if this soul piece creation process
isn’t the basis of so called black magic practices,
as well as the origin of some of the so called angels being
channeled.
Shamanic
Crisis
Several excellent books on
the shamanic journey experience and other elements of the
shamanic crisis can be readily found now, such as
Harner’s classic The Way of the Shaman. However, I do
want to mention one aspect of the shamanic experience I
think it is important for SEN helpers to at least have
heard about that is not generally found in the literature.
I became familiar with this phenomenon by accident during a
holotropic breathwork session while I was exploring the
pain around having self identities. When I dissolved the
earliest one that my body held (a delusion of being my
father acquired during the birth trauma), I experienced a
sensation of sacredness and suddenly my body awareness
became radically different. Repeating this process in turn
with the other two brains, I found myself changed to such
an extent I experienced myself as something totally
unfamiliar, without any similarity to the human identity I
call myself.
I’ve since been able
to do this from ordinary consciousness, and it appears that
to my surprise each of my brains has a counterpart or
extension in some other sort of ‘realm’.
It’s difficult to describe, but I get a
‘visual’ impression of fluorescent blackness,
timeless, and a sensation of being a bit as if I resembled
something a totem pole might be trying to portray.
Incidentally, I was comfortably aware of this duality while
in the womb. The only reference to this state of
consciousness that I’m aware of is in The Vision and
Awakening Spirits by Tom Brown Jr., a shamanically trained
westerner. He refers to it as ‘The Realm of the
Shaman’, or “The Void’. In my limited
experience this state of being is part of the key to
radical physical healing, and is certainly a fascinating
aspect of the human psyche.
Part
3: A Transpersonal Extension to the Triune Brain
Model
If the triune brain model
is correct, why doesn’t it match our everyday
experience? True, we have thoughts, feelings, and body
sensations, but doesn’t the Western model of a single
awareness with a conscious and unconscious fit our typical
perception of ourselves better? Even if the triune model is
true, isn’t our seat of awareness behind our eyes in
the neocortex? To answer these questions as well as
understand another group of SEN categories we need to
include a transpersonal element to the triune brain model.
We start by looking at what
many spiritual practices are trying to accomplish. For
example, Buddhist vipassana meditation asks us to
dis-identify with our thoughts, feelings, and body
sensations. In other words, they want us to become aware
that our everyday sense of self at bottom is independent of
the three biological brains. This non-biological awareness,
or ‘spirit’ as it is sometimes called in
religious literature, is the transpersonal element to the
triune brain model. In spite of our cultural beliefs that
our spirit is sort of outside of ourselves and generally
inaccessible, what I’m referring to is totally
familiar to us, as it’s the core of our moment to
moment perception of ourselves, the ‘conscious
mind’ in Western terms. Yet, these spiritual
practices are also trying to get us to change our
consciousness, not just dis-identify with our organic
being. For example, Gangaji or D. E. Harding in On having
No Head talk about ‘dropping the false self’,
and experiencing boundryless selfless awareness. What are
they talking about, and how does it relate to our everyday
experience? And even more to the point, why does everyone
have a self in the first place that they have to work so
hard to get rid of?
To understand this requires
an awareness of another very important aspect of the
storage of traumatic material that involves physical injury
to the body. Some spiritual emergencies, therapy
techniques, or spiritual practices that activate traumatic
memories or increase one’s internal awareness can
cause an experience of a terrible feeling of deficient
emptiness, a sensation of lack which at a deeper level is
coming from what can be seen as black bottomless holes in
one’s body. These holes occur at locations in our
body where we have been injured, and a tremendous amount of
our behavior is designed to block our awareness of them.
These holes are the origin for the storage of sequences of
emotionally traumatic material which have a similar feeling
to the initial injuring experience. For more information
and specific healing techniques, see my web sight on
Whole-Hearted Healing, or Dr. Cory Sea’s
excellent Seawork:
Radical Tissue Transformation, or A. H.
Almaas’ work (which I don’t completely agree
with) The Diamond
Approach, Book 1.
The next piece of the puzzle
occurs in the womb. At that time, the ‘spirit’
part of us that can be best described as pure unbounded
awareness is fully merged with our body. Our sense of self
is very different than it will become after birth. We
experience ourselves internally as very bright and large,
and we’re totally aware of ourselves and our
environment. During birth, partly as a defense to the
terrible emptiness of the holes that are formed at this
time, we construct blocks to our own awareness. These
blocks are experienced as layers right at skin level
covering our body. Each layer is composed of a
traumatically painful phrase and feeling, and we create
different layers at each injury site. These layers overlap,
expanding or contracting as the underlying trauma at each
site is stimulated or relaxed in our daily life. It is our
constant awareness of these intrinsically painful layers
that gives rise to our familiar sense of ‘self’
after birth, and that gives us the sensation of having a
boundary at our skin. These layers form the so-called
‘false self’, and it is the dissolution of
these defensive layers that many spiritual practices are
trying to accomplish. These layers can be dropped in just
part of the body, giving rise to such experiences as
Harding’s “headlessness”. When this
occurs, one experiences that part of the body as if it were
composed of air, with no boundary, yet the region has a
sensation of strength and wellness that we’ve only
imagined we could feel.
At this point in my work, it
appears to me that these layers are created out of whatever
pure unbounded self aware ‘spirit’ is composed
of. I find it fascinating that in deep inner work, or as a
result of such work our ‘spirit’ awareness can
be expanded into each of the three brains, held outside of
the three brains, or shifted between them individually.
Incidentally, it is by shifting our spirit into the heart
that gives rise to the second method for experiencing
OBE’s, as we perceive the heart’s ability
directly without filtered through the mind.
What I’ve been
describing is in no written work that I know of. However,
you can demonstrate the accuracy of this analysis for
yourself in a variety of ways. One straightforward way is
to simply sit down, look at your chest, and try to move
your awareness into it to find whatever is inside. If you
are committed to knowing the truth, and are willing to
endure the pain, you can punch through each successive
layer, becoming aware of what each one is composed of until
you reach the sensation of ‘space’ inside your
body. Once in, a slightly painful effort of will will open
up the whole area of that set of layers, creating a
sensation that your body in that region is made of air.
However, the gap will close up again when you relax your
attention. This process can also occur spontaneously, such
as during experiences of extreme love. Incidentally, the
eyes apparently can act as an opening in the false self,
allowing ‘us’ to go outside the body, which I
took advantage of in when I mentioned punching through the
boundary into the chest from the outside. Of course, once
in you can continue the process from the inside and punch
out, which oddly is much easier.
A much more interesting but
painful approach to demonstrating this analysis is to heal
the underlying holes that these layers defend you against.
As the holes are healed, the layers vanish. Unfortunately,
adjacent holes have their defenses spread over any
particular region, so a certain critical mass of healing is
necessary along with a lack of stimulation to areas of
adjacent trauma. (If you attempt this, I strongly recommend
avoiding the solar plexus injury. Not only is it hard to
heal, but removing trauma from this region unblocks
one’s abilities to effect the world around us. This
is a problem when the heart, which controls this ability,
uses it to play out delusional material.) This was the
method I used to test my understanding, but I was still
very surprised when it worked as predicted! Unlike the
first method, I found that these regions that feel as if
they’re made of air now also feel intensely sacred.
Thus, in spite of what many
spiritual groups believe, the experience of no-self is not
the end of one’s work, although it certainly feels
like it. For example, this can be demonstrated by pointing
out that radical physical healing does not automatically
accompany this phenomena, our memory of our entire
existence does not become available, nor does the
perception of one’s body as sacred occur. Instead,
one needs to continue working in what might be considered a
more shamanic or psychological direction involving internal
fusion and trauma healing. Just to stress the point, I
personally see this important and vital experience of
no-self as potentially the ultimate escapism, since what
happens to our bodies, in our lives, or the planet in
general can now be accepted and ignored.
‘Spirit’ is the
level of our consciousness that we use to see
chakra’s with. Interestingly, the energy they put
out, which feels like warm water flowing out of our bodies
at the site of the chakra, will be bounced back if the
false self boundary is rigidly in place, causing pain to
the body. It’s feels a bit like we’d shot off a
gun inside a barrel and the bullet were ricocheting around.
A number of questions
remain. For example, there appears to be some sort of
interaction between each of the three brains and this
phenomena of the false self, since the head and heart
shutdown state as described in Part 1 result in dropping
the boundaries. And I find it particularly significant that
apparently all humans construct this boundary at skin level
during the birthing process, perhaps as a substitute for
the placenta. Finally, I still don’t understand how
conventional spiritual practices can result in releasing
the false self even partially, a fact that points out that
the organism can find a alternate defense to the holes that
at present escapes me.
It is interaction in varying
degrees between our blocked transpersonal awareness, our
split three brains, and (when we don’t feel peaceful,
calm and light) any trauma recordings being played out that
gives rise to our everyday conscious experience.
Death
and Dying
The grief due to the death of someone can be a
devastating experience. But particularly in cases involving
a death due to one’s own actions, either real or
imagined, the burden can be beyond belief. As a SEN helper,
I can suggest a technique which apparently allows most
people to directly communicate face to face with the dead
person in order to come to resolution on these issues.
Rediscovered from a process used by the ancient Greeks by
Dr. Raymond Moody, it was described in his book Reunions,
and is gaining popularity, albeit slowly. I am not yet
competent to explain the underlying processes, but from a
therapeutic standpoint it appears very useful. It does not
appear to use the soul piece phenomena, and so makes me
wildly curious about the underlying mechanism and
it’s significance in larger questions of life after
death.
I want to mention another
case I had of a woman grieving over the death of a very
loved elderly woman. We used a trauma healing technique on
her grief, and tracked it back to the birth stage before
crowning. After healing this trauma, her grief over the
death completely vanished and did not return. A similar
event happened to me, involving injury to the arms,
shoulders, and neck during birth, as well as internal
separation between the body and heart. This was a surprise
to me, and I now wonder about the whole phenomena of
grieving over loss which we all take for granted, and I
encourage others to take a look at this.
Past
Lives
The issue of past lives can
come up for people calling SEN in a number of ways. The
memory may have surfaced due to a past life regression,
during trauma healing work, or spontaneously. In general,
the caller requires reassurance that this phenomenon has
occurred for others, and references to one of the many
excellent books on the subject can be made. However, in my
experience one problem that can occur for SEN helpers is to
assume that just recalling the past life is adequate to
heal it. Since the individual usually has a tremendous
sense of relief when he recalls the memory and sees why
this life has had problems because of it, it is easy to
jump to this conclusion. Unfortunately, the trauma needs to
be healed just like any trauma does in their current
lifetime.
At the risk of loosing
credibility, deeper levels of the past life experience can
occur especially among people doing spiritual practices,
and I feel SEN helpers should at least have heard of this
even if they don’t believe it. Normally, we think of
the past as fixed, and the future as yet to form. However,
imagine for a moment that our ‘spirit’ exists
forever, and can have a viewpoint outside of time from
which it sees that all events past and future have already
occurred. However, change is possible because individuals
can shift their awareness, or ‘spirit’, through
time and act on what will have or has already occurred.
Thus, one can have the experience of interacting with ones
past life or future life to change events. In fact, one can
actually give oneself advice and guidance from one lifetime
to the next, the ultimate example of raising oneself by
lifting one’s own bootstraps! An excellent example of
this phenomenon can be found in Hank
Wesselman’s Spiritwalker.
Since most of us can hardly run our own current life, let
alone another’s, I generally don’t encourage
this practice.
At this point, it appears to
me that traumatic incidents are carried from the past
through the mechanism of ‘soul’ recording in
previous lifetimes. Thus, when one fuses the head and
heart, this sort of trauma does not effect us. So, is
‘soul’ carried from one life to the next, or do
we create it fresh in the womb? When we return to heal
these trauma we can view those lives by translating our
‘spiritual’ viewpoint into the actual past, and
we get the odd sensation of recognizing ourselves and
others even though we have a different ‘false
self’ and body in that life. One might ask the
question, would we find a familiar self no matter whose
soul piece we tracked into the past? (It’s questions
like this that really make this game of understanding and
predicting so interesting to me!)
Specific
Help Strategies - ‘Loving
Yourself’
A number of SEN callers are in the midst of a
crisis when they call me, feeling overwhelming emotions
such as anxiety or fear. If they want to go beyond
information and the support of shared experiences, I almost
always teach them how to love themselves first. Although
the technique does not directly heal, it almost always
gives people relief from their current crisis, a feeling
that they are not being betrayed by their own bodies with
subsequent hope for the future, allows them a simple way to
move through many difficult emotions, and it speeds up
healing in techniques they can learn later.
This highly simple and
effective method is found in Dr. Gay Hendricks excellent
book Learning to
Love Yourself. The method
goes as follows. Recall something in your life that you can
recall really loving. I would suggest a doll, or pet,
rather than a significant other, because we want a pretty
straightforward feeling, not one mixed up with rejection,
punishment, etc., etc. One woman had a favorite aunt that
worked perfectly. Imagine this object is in front of you,
and bring up that feeling of love you had for it. Stay with
this until it’s nice and strong. OK, now, turn that
flow of love going outward back on yourself, like
redirecting a hose of water. Sit with this until
you’ve got it. A variation on this that sometimes
works is to recall a physical place where you felt
especially good, and use this to bring the feeling up in
yourself.
Specific
Help Strategies - Healing Trauma
I refer you to four excellent trauma healing
techniques, along with a superb discussion on the state of
this art in The Family Therapy Networker, July 1996, pgs.
21-37. The techniques described are EMDR (Eye Movement
Desensitization and Reprocessing), VKD (Visual Kinesthetic
Dissociation based on Neuro-Linguistic Programing), TIR
(traumatic Incident Reduction), TFT (Thought Field Therapy,
based on applied kinesiology and acupressure points).
A variety of other
techniques exist. My own which I call Whole Hearted
Healing, is described at the web site www.PeakStates.com. A
simplified version of TFT called EFT (Emotional Freedom
Technique) is inexpensively available through the web site
www.emofree.com. Other techniques I recommend are TAT
(Tapas Flemming’s acupressure technique for allergies
and trauma), shamanic soul retrieval, Gendlin’s
Focusing, and Holotropic (Dr. Grof’s) or Radiance
(Dr. Hendrick’s) Breathwork. Other excellent
modalities exist, but these are some of the better know
approaches.
Conclusion
In this article, I’ve presented a model
of the psyche that is useful in understanding and
predicting psychological and spiritual phenomena, and
creating helping strategies that work. I’ve tried to
keep things as simple, brief, and accurate as possible, but
like any work in process I expect some revisions as my
experience increases. Since I’ve spoken about
spiritual emergencies that I’ve had direct experience
with, I invite you to apply and refine this triune brain
model to other transpersonal phenomena that arise in your
own practice, and let me know what you discover. Have fun!
Much material on healing not
directly relevant to spiritual emergencies has been
omitted. See website www.PeakStates.com for more
information.
Copyright Grant McFetridge May 1997,1999
Appendix A: Spiritual Emergency
Classifications
This
is introductory information I wrote in 1992 for a spiritual
emergency support group. The categories were taken from
Grof’s work.
Definition
of Spiritual Emergence(y):
Episodes of unusual
experiences that involve changes in consciousness and in
perceptual, emotional, cognitive, and psychosomatic
functioning, in which there is a significant transpersonal
emphasis in the process. It includes the ability to see the
condition as an inner psychological process and to approach
it in an internalized way. The capacity to form an adequate
working relationship with a spirit of cooperation with
people trying to assist is present.
The whole personality is
usually affected. Often the person will share a “fear
of going crazy”. The above criteria excludes people
with severe paranoid states, persecution delusions,
hallucinations, and those who consistently use the
mechanism of projection, exteriorization, and acting out.
Common
Emergence Typologies
1. Kundalini Awakening: Powerful psychological and
physical experiences especially involving physical
sensations such as variations in body temperature,
experiences of energy streaming up the spine, tremors,
shaking, spasms, complex twisting movements, visions of
lights, involuntary vocalizations, crying, acoustic
phenomena, as well as emotional and psychological upheaval.
2. Shamanic Crisis: Dramatic episode of a non-ordinary
state of consciousness often concurrent with a life
threatening illness or trauma. There is an emphasis on
physical suffering and encounter with death followed by
rebirth and elements of ascent. Usually contact with totem
or power animals, confrontations with demons, descent to
the underworld where guidance is received followed by an
ascent to the upper world.
3. Psychological Renewal through Activation of the
Central Archetype: Episode of psychological upheaval
usually with strong psychotic processes. An inner
experience of perceiving oneself as being in the middle of
a world process (ie. fighting for the survival of the human
race). Emphasis on themes of death, afterlife, return to
the beginnings of creation, cataclysmic clashes of
opposites or polarities such as good/evil, male/female, and
Christ/Devil.
4. Psychic Opening: Experiences may include telepathy,
clairvoyance, precognition, psychokinesis, out-of-body
travel, visions, synchronicities. In acute episodes the
individual is flooded with psychic information,
overwhelming the ego.
5. Karmic Pattern or Past-Life Memories: Dramatic
experiences that seem like past life times or birth events.
Can be intense emotional experiences of birth, torture,
death, memories of family members or ancient cultures.
Often these episodes illuminate present life difficulties:
irrational fears, habits, or difficult interpersonal
dynamics.
6. Possession: Least understood and most controversial
type of spiritual emergency. Episode when the individual
assumes the facial characteristics, gestures and attitudes
of someone else typically diabolical in nature. Individuals
can feel victimized or invaded or controlled with
corresponding fear and concern.
7. Channeling and Communication with Spirit Guides:
Includes instances of communication with unseen,
non-hostile beings and involves participation in a trance
state that allows other entities, beings, or intelligences
to speak. These entities characteristically have radically
different voice and facial expressions that the individual
normally has. Includes communication with spirit guides.
8. Unitive Consciousness: Experiences of inner and
outer unity or harmony, strong positive emotions,
transcendence of time and space, sense of sacredness,
paradoxical nature, objectivity and reality of the
insights, ineffability, and positive after effects. Can be
prolonged and involuntary causing concern in others,
sometimes even leading to inappropriate treatments such as
electroshock.
9. Near Death Experiences: Involving up to 8% of the
US population. Common pattern involves feelings of peace,
followed by a transitory buzzing at which point one may
find oneself viewing his body from above, followed by
sensing a benign presence. Presence often induces
individual to review his life and a decision to return to
earthly life is made, terminating the episode. Other
elements common.
10. Encounter with UFO’s: Typically a person
experiences some form of communication, close contact, or
abduction by alien beings perceived as originating on
another planet. Can range from pleasant, inspiring, and
even welcome to radically invasive, involuntary encounters
which leave their victims filled with terror.
Precipitants:
1. Spontaneous (rarely, usually signs such as dreams)
2. Threats to one’s life (ie. serious illness,
accidents, operations)
3. Extreme physical exertion or prolonged lack of
sleep
4. Perinatal events (ie. childbirth, miscarriage,
abortion)
5. Powerful sexual experiences
6. Powerful emotional experiences (eg. loss of close
relationship)
7. Series of life failures
8. Deep involvement in various forms of meditation or
other spiritual practices (most common)
Treatment
Guidelines:
1. Provide psychospiritual framework
2 Little or no medication
3 Sanctuary over a hospital
4. Decrease or discontinue spiritual practice
5. Dietary changes
6. Exercise / body therapy
7. Contact with nature
Post
Episode Functioning:
1. Symptoms last minutes, and up to months; acute
onset during 3 months or less (Lukoff)
2. Functioning enhanced after most intense period is
complete over previous level of functioning (Lukoff and
Grof). Typically more creative, more oriented to service,
new parts of self activate (Turner).
Appendix
B: Womb Memories
In the womb, the three
brains at first were fused (merged) together, experiencing
themselves as one organism. I was actively involved in
growing myself, not just following a preprogrammed DNA
sequence. For example, I remember not being able to figure
out what the appendix was for, and seriously considered not
including it in my body. I experienced myself as quite
large, bright internally, and took great delight in
watching my own and my mothers biological cellullar
processes. A month or so before birth, my mom ate something
that was poisonous to my fetal body. While I was dealing
with this internal crisis, my mind broke from the fusion
and experienced itself as a separate self or entity for the
first time. After the crisis passed, the rest of myself
attempted to merge again, and could not. This caused the
part of me directing the growth process (the body and heart
in fusion) to conclude that it must have grown the
neocortex incorrectly. So the body cut off the blood supply
to that region of the brain to kill it and start over.
However, this caused such intense pain the body was forced
to desist.
An new and even more serious
problem developed shortly after the split. The fetus found
itself unable to be always completely in the present, as
previous trauma would occasionally disrupt it’s
awareness. The first time this happened, it felt like
something was pushing into the mind from the side, making
self awareness vanish in that area - quite a terrifying
experience, and one the mind tried desperately to resist.
There were now two aware
‘selves’ in one body, but it wasn’t like
two people in one box. Even though much of the sensory and
internal information is shared, the mind functions
differently than the body consciousness and is aware of
this. In fact, I recall the mind taking a sort of naive
pride in being able to think much faster than the rest, and
trying to do it’s best to help. For example, it
stored sequences of words that the fetal body heard in the
womb in a sort of infinitely repeating loop, with
unfortunately negative consequences. One of the most
emotionally painful trauma’s (outside of birth) that
I can recall involved shame (in the mind) and anger (in the
body) because the splitting allowed the mind to initiate
defecation in the womb, contrary to what the body wanted.
The next major catastrophe
occurred during the birth process. During the birth, the
body consciousness again broke apart into two selves. This
time it was as the limbic brain, the emotional
consciousness, splitting away from the body consciousness.
In my own case, I can recall the heart splitting and going
out of body to escape what was happening to my body. Oddly,
that out of body view stored at the solar plexus injury
site is of my baby body lit up brightly, surrounded by a
totally black environment, as if in outer space. At birth,
my brightness was gone, and my baby body looked like it was
covered in soot or ink. (In the case of another woman
I’ve worked with, a significant part of her fetal
body was internally darkened from severe physical injury to
her pelvis in
utero. It’s
difficult to tell if this darkening was a perception of the
injury as a ‘hole’ in the body, or the
appearance of one of these self layers. I suspect the
former. Fortunately, most fetuses never experience great
enough physical injury to darken large areas of their
bodies until birth.)
By the time I was taken to
the crib in the hospital, my sense of self was already
restricted to what I’m familiar with now in
‘normal’ consciousness. It’s as if some
sort of amnesia took place, one which is dependent on
experiencing myself as no longer internally bright inside.
Incidentally, as my current healing has progressed, my
internal sense of brightness has increased, which has
allowed me to clearly recall fetal and much traumatic
material at will.
Copyright Grant McFetridge, May 1997,1999

